1. Hope Louisville misses the team bus.
2. Everytime a Louisville player pulls up for a jumper, shout “BREAK A LEG!” and hope it really messes with them.
3. Sneak Pitino a powerful aphrodisiac, then hope he hands reins over to equipment manager while he bangs female Georgia Dome employee in tunnel.
4. During crucial inbounds, have non-inbounder say “Hey man! I was supposed to inbound the ball!” Hand off to non-inbounder during the confusion, who quickly scores easy 2. (Don’t laugh. 1983, we pulled that shit in my PAL league. Won us a championship. Credit to my dad for making us practice that crazy-ass play every week for three months.)
5. Right before attempting dribble penetration, look your defender right in the eye. Then say “Two in the pink, one in the stink. Shockers for life, beeyotch.” Then lick your teeth like the Pearl Drops girl. Your defender will NOT touch you.
6. Keep murmuring, “Femur, femur, femur” during Louisville free throw attempts.
7. During defensive stands, continuously sing “Pitino is the man” to the tune of the “Chico & The Man” theme song. Don’t shrug off this idea until you’ve done it at least once. “Puh-teeee-NOHHHHH…”
8. When referees aren’t looking, kick Louisville players in the balls.
9. During offensive possession, get all teary-eyed & tell Siva, “C’mon man, my baby sister is dying from pneumonia, you gotta let me have this bucket!”
10. Offer Pitino $100 cash and a beejer from your sister if he forfeits. (This probably won’t work, but as coach himself would tell you, there’s no failure in trying)