Random Stuff & Things, Vol. II

The bane of creativity is that some topics are taboo. That’s why some people call people like me “asshole.” Read on, thin-skinned slackers.


For those of you who don’t know me, I’m the Production/Creative Services Director for a rock radio station. The nature of my job requires me to be “creative.”

“Creative” means that my brain explores, with intent to exploit, opportunities to bring humor. Sometimes my brain is relentless in this process, to the extent that my brain’s end-results are occasionally perceived as bordering on “bad taste.”

Now that you have that backstory…

Here we are, witnessing four days of consequences from the Boston Marathon bombing unfold on cable news. Then, MSNBC reports that 19-year-old bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is holed-up in the back of a boat in Watertown, Massachusetts. My brain functions on autopilot, wondering how I can “tastefully” wrap some humorous line around Lonely Island’s “I’m On A Boat.”

And that’s when I realized just how big of an asshole I am.

Boston Side Note # 1: Please tell me I’m not the only person who thought “Uncle Ruslan” was a total bad ass…? “HE IS LOSER!”

I can just picture a family picnic with a bowl of Xanax, offered freely, like candy.

Deviled eggs. Lemonade. Potato salad. Xanax. And a shitload of Tsarnaev Family Reunion t-shirts from Café Press that everyone takes home to be polite, but nobody ever wears.

Boston Side Note # 2: Have you seen the Reddit post with the leaked pic of Tamarlan Tsarnaev’s torn-to-shit corpse on a slab?

Don’t. I did. Trust me, you can’t un-ring that bell.

Last but not least, the magical nugget I’ve had slow-cookin’ all week: It’s time to discuss the Manchin-Toomey amendment’s failure to pass in the U.S. Senate this week.

I wasn’t the least bit surprised by this, nor by the reactions from both sides of the Gun Control/Second Amendment argument. I estimate that a whopping 0.000025% of Facebook users were unfriended this week. How does one cope?

The “Tea-Baggers,” customarily sore losers during hot-button debates, were sore winners this week. I love my friends, regardless of their political leanings. I could never FB-unfriend someone for a political rant. That would be horribly shallow of me. But I’ll hide a post if the rant is obnoxious enough. And Holy Jesus Fuckballs, I was clicking “hide” this week like my sanity depended on it. Which it did.

However, the cake-takers this week were the People’s Republic of Lefty. The avalanche of politically-correct pussy-ism was something to behold.

Best example? My reigning morning television MILF-celebre went so far as to post the name of each Senator who voted “no” on Manchin-Toomey in individual tweets, hashtagged “#LACKOFLEADERSHIP.”

Then, she posted each of their names a second time, again in individual tweets, hashtagged “#CallForLeadership.”

She wasn’t finished. She then posted their names a third time, again individually, this time with their Twitter handles. You know, so we can “apply political pressure” to “modestly-paid civil servants” who “care about their constituents.”

Just so we’re clear: That was sarcasm with a smidge of contempt.

I don’t belittle leftist proponents of gun control for their concern for people’s lives. I do belittle them for their reasoning. It’s one of those rare areas where the Tea-Baggers demonstrate a modicum of logic.

Are you sick of hearing, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people?” Fine. Let’s try this:

Nowhere in this world exists an AK-47 that wakes up in the morning, grabs the morning paper from the driveway, locks itself in the bathroom to drop a massive deuce, then peruses its smartphone calendar over its morning coffee, thinking, “Today’s the day. I’m gonna kill Jim. Cocksucker has it coming.”

On the other hand, there is some murderous asshole of a human being somewhere who’s thinking of killing “Jim.” In 2013, guns exist. Therefore, “M.A.” can utilize a gun to execute his choice to kill “Jim.” [Yes, the bold typeface is necessary. If you already understood this, I wouldn’t have to write this analogy like a pompous asshole, would I?]

But what if it was 1474? Hey, no guns! Jim’s safe, right? Nope. M.A. will just use a sword. Or shoot Jim with a bow and arrow. Or spear Jim with a sharpened stick. Or use a rock. Or maybe M.A. is so furious with Jim that he’ll just beat the living shit out of him with his bare hands.

Bottom line: Jim is completely screwed. Unless, of course, M.A. decides to get all politically-correct, and attempts to wound Jim’s ego with a strongly-worded letter to his utterly-fucking-useless U.S. Congressman.

A lack of firearms doesn’t prevent Jim from getting killed. A decision by another person does. If a person has murder on their mind, they’ll figure out how to accomplish it.

“Gun control” doesn’t address “criminal control.” You see, addressing the core problem is important. When I wake up every morning, I brush my teeth. I prefer to use a toothbrush & toothpaste to do this. But, if I don’t have one or the other, and I still want to brush my teeth, I’m not above using a finger & a mouthful of water. Teeth will be brushed, no matter how skanky the method. ‘Merica!

Here’s another element to consider: Let’s say you legally ban guns altogether. Think that’ll stop people from possessing them? You dumb ass. Prohibition didn’t stop the mob from bootlegging during the 1920’s, did it?

If the (hopefully) entertaining logic I’ve presented here didn’t sway you, then allow me to crush your hopes and dreams of gun control becoming a reality: Watch this video. It’s about 20 minutes long. It’s very informative. And it’s your big stank-ass whiff of reality.

Now you’ll excuse me, I’ll have to respond to the texts from all of my friends named “Jim,” all of whom now think I’m covertly plotting to kill them.

© 2013 Michael J. Gagliano

The opinions expressed within this blog are solely those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the thoughts or opinions of the ownership, management, staff and/or sponsors of WRIF Radio or its parent company, Greater Media, Inc.


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